The Little Book of Flirting
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
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London SE1 9GF
First published by Element 2002
Copyright © Peta Heskell 2002
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Peta Heskell asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780007146635
Ebook Edition © JANUARY 2017 ISBN: 9780008240356
To everyone who has the courage to leap into life’s
adventure and go for it.
A mega thanks to all my clients, participants of the
playshops and friends who made it possible for me
to do my work and spread a little sunshine in the
world. Keep shining.
What do we mean by ‘flirting’ anyway?
Let’s begin by redefining the word ‘flirting’. Remember, if we didn’t redefine things as we went along we’d all still be hunting for our meat and living in caves. Flirting comes from the old French word fleurter, meaning ‘to flower’. Here are a few modern definitions from participants in my flirting classes:
1 Flirting is about fun, connecting with and getting to know people.
2 Flirting is a way of showing people you are interested in them.
3 Flirting is about giving compliments, smiling and making people happy.
4 Flirting is like a butterfly that flutters past in all its beauty, and when we try to catch it, it flies away leaving us wanting more …
5 Flirting is making yourself so attractive that people can’t resist you.
6 Flirting is being able to break down people’s barriers and make contact.
7 Flirting is a harmless entertaining diversion that you can choose to take further if you wish.
Here’s a mnemonic that sums up flirting for me:
Feeling good about yourself.
Liking other people.
Interest in others makes YOU interesting.
Rapport and resonance.
Talking their language.
‘No’ means move on to the next. No, next, no, next! Bingo! Yes!
Giving great voice and loosening up your body.
Flirting isn’t just restricted to interaction with the opposite sex. It’s also useful in social and work situations. Your style of flirting can range from simply social to strongly sexual. Great flirting, when done appropriately and with a friendly go-for-it attitude, is the gateway to more romance, deeper friendships, enhanced professional relationships and a definite feel-good sensation for you and people you flirt with.
Flirting is feeling great about yourself and resonating this to the world so that the right people are drawn to you – irresistibly!
The best flirts do it with everyone!
This book is about how to be the kind of person who can flirt with anyone they choose! My friend Lesley is like that. She ran a business for 25 years, flirting with everyone. To this day she flirts with elderly people, children, babies, men and women. She flirts saucily with men she fancies and kindly with men she doesn’t. She enjoys a joke and she can be really raunchy and very gentle. At the age of 49 she still has men chasing after her and she’s been happily married for 26 years. Women consult her about their relationships and parents allow her to ‘adopt’ their children. There’ll be standing room only at her funeral!
Becoming a flirt…
In this little book you will learn how to master the art of flirting. It contains everything you need to know to make yourself completely and utterly irresistible!
Great flirts love who they are and what they do. This book will help you discover how wonderful you are and encourage you to live your life from this position. It is about meeting yourself, falling in love with yourself and learning to interact with the world from that basis.
Think of this book as a guide, motivator and instigator of fun as you flirt your way through life.
Remember though, books don’t jump out and change you overnight while you sleep. They offer you ways of thinking and acting that can help you to change yourself for the better. But you have to choose to do the work to make it happen!
Do you choose to become a great flirt? Let’s start now!
As a successful flirt you will be able to make things happen for you, not to you. You will make things happen because of what you do, not despite what you do. What do you do now? You may have some patterns of behaviour that don’t serve you and some that do. Let’s look now at your current flirting patterns.
How do you currently flirt?
Perhaps you are a bit of a flirt already. Perhaps you flirt but don’t get the results you want. Perhaps you don’t flirt at all. The following questions will help you realize how flirtatious you currently are and what you need to work on:
You are in a relaxed social situation and realize you are attracted to someone. Do you:
1 Send out strong sexual signals and if they don’t approach you, approach them?
2 Flirt with someone else while occasionally looking in their direction?
3 Hope that they don’t notice you are interested and be certain to look away?
I was greeting people at the door of a seminar when a colleague arrived on the back of a taxi-bike. The rider came over to ask me more about the seminar. I thought he was gorgeous. After a short chat, I had to go. I handed him my card and started to walk downstairs. Halfway down I turned round and rushed back upstairs. I asked him if he would take me for a ride on his motorcycle. Two years later, we’re still together!
Sometimes you have to follow your instincts and not worry about the consequences. I didn’t stop to think this guy might refuse me or think I was too pushy – I just went for it!
Sometimes you have to follow your instincts and just go for it!
You are in a fairly well populated train carriage. A personable, well-presented person gets into the carriage and strikes up a conversation. Do you:
1 Say ‘Good evening’ and return to your paper or your work?
2 Ignore them – after all, they might be a bore or a rapist?
3 Open out to the possibilities and strike up a conversation?
Fran was directing a TV documentary about my seminar. On the train home, a man got into her carriage, smiled and said, ‘Hello.’ Normally, Fran would have mumbled an indistinct greeting and got on with her work. This time, she remembered something I’d said about connecting, and she smiled back and made a comment about a topical event. They chatted and discovered they were both in the TV business and he knew her husband. They exchanged telephone numbers and made plans to meet up with their partners. Who knows where this friendship will lead?
Sometimes it is our willingness to take advantage of unlikely situations that leads us to a wonderful friendship, a new relationship or that great business opportunity.
You know that someone you have met recently but don’t know too well could connect you to someone who would be very useful to you in your business. Do you:
1 Ring up that person, ask them how they are, listen to what they say, make them feel good and then say honestly that you know they can help you and that’s why you are calling?
2 Ring them up about another matter and hope that one thing will lead to another?
3 Stop yourself from calling because it would seem like using them?
Sue attended one of my personal development events. She called me up the next day, thanked me for the evening and then told me that she knew that I was an influential person and had a far wider reach in the personal development community than she did. She told me a story that made me laugh and asked if I would publicize her coaching. I attended one of her sessions and I did publicize her because she was good.
Sue was pro-active, funny and friendly. She had made me feel good without flattery and she was genuine and prepared to put herself on the line because she believed in herself.
Sometimes you have to be prepared to put yourself on the line to make a useful connection.
As a result of reading this, I suspect that you may have become more aware of how flirtatious you are. Would you like to initiate more conversations and be able to socialize in any situation? Have there been times in your life when you could have made a great connection, but didn’t? If so, this book is for you.
The secret to great flirting is to begin on the inside, with yourself! The better you know yourself and the more good you feel about yourself, the easier it is for you to flirt successfully and love it. Flirting is not just about the superficial outward displays, it starts with who you are shining through.
The key to successful flirting is to start out feeling good about yourself so that you can transmit this to others.
Do you know how wonderful you are?
Great flirts know who they are, rejoice in it and are honest about it. They feel good about themselves and convey that to others. If you want to be like this, it’s important to know who you are and to be proud of it.
WHO ARE YOU?
What kind of person are you?
Write down what comes into your head when you read the question. Sense it and let it flow. Remember, when you are honest with yourself, there is no right or wrong, there is just what is …
To give you some idea, when I did this exploration myself I wrote quite a lot and here’s some of it:
I am a person who loves animals. I write, I run groups and get a buzz from spending time with my cat, hanging out on the Internet and being with friends. I love coaching people to realize more of who they are. I am highly flirtatious and a voracious networker. I enjoy the time I spend with my lover and I love my own company. I like adventures and relish good food.
Now reread what you wrote.
When you have finished reading this book, ask yourself this question again. You may find that you have discovered even more about the real you hiding beneath the layers we have peeled away …
Great flirts love who they are and what they do.
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